Friday, February 07, 2014

mirror mirror

One statement by a close friend touched me two days ago. She was urging me to write more often. She said - women MUST write, every woman is a book within herself. Oh! So true, I thought. But then not only women but each person is a book. Isn’t that why we find it interesting to know about others’ lives. We enjoy peeping into the life of whoever we can get a chance of. Observing people is the best pass time for most of us. While all these thoughts are running in my mind, I suudenly realise that I have not observed myself since a real long time. And a lot of questions have started poping on me.

Do I have time to sit and observe myself? What difference will it make even if I DO indeed observe myself? Will it make me happy after looking at myself? What if it only adds to my distress?

I am amazed at these questions! How my mind has become an expert in finding excuses before doing anything meaningful towards self. How easy it has come down to giving myself a feeling of accomplisment! No, really…. just a thought of introspection makes me feel so full of pride and then it just stops there. Just a thought of 1hour exercise daily pampers my ego saying ‘at least I am willing’

Then I decided, first things first. I must answer all the dumb questions to myself. You see, I am a teacher and I believe that no question is a silly question. So answers….

Ofcourse, I do have enough time to sit and observe myself. I do get enough ‘me’ time while I sip my lemongrass tea or when I am on my walks and many more occassions. Observing myself is not dreaming where I will be exported to another world. It simply needs being aware of my actions, my tempraments and noting analysis. It rather is a very concious activity.

And it will make a load of a difference. I may change where I must or I may get calmer inside myself. I may acquire better control on my actions and thoughts and ultimately on my moods and reactions.

Well, only when I start will know if it makes me happy or not about myself. But then I must always carry a nice stiff roll of a newspaper and hit one on my head whenever I find myself at fault. (Referring to the HT campaign a few years ago).

Most importantly I must stop treating myself easy. I must realise and work on my own excuses. I must realise the difference between a reason and an excuse. Oh and I must realise that there is NO reason for doing or not doing some things in life. I must just do them. Do not think, do not contemplate too long but just get up go there when it comes nurturing body and soul.

Monday, August 19, 2013

My Nest

I want to make our nest warmer,
before I am a robin with an empty nest.

I want to shape my nest efficient,
before I am a robin with an empty nest....


I want to make our nest noisy,
before I am a robin with an empty nest.

Because the nest may become empty;
but it will hang a giggling chime at the window
It will open the door to a mental full of memories.
It will waft with the aroma of your successes.
And it will welcome you with a mat of my open arms.

Whenever you would want to return
With a trophy of your own stronger wings.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

KshaN


हळवे हळवे क्षण हिरवे होत जातात
आणि भाळता भाळता एक दिवस सांभाळायला लागतात

हिरव्याकच्चं क्षणांवर दवबिंदूंची नक्षी
ओलेत्या वेळेला मुकं धुकं साक्षी

हिरवाईला ताजं करून दवबिंदू जातात उडून
हलके हलके तरंगणारं धुकंही जातं विरुन
आयुष्य लख्ख ऊजाडतं
सोनेरी होऊन जातं

कोवळे क्षण
प्रखर क्षण
पुन्हा हळवे होत जातात

रुपेरी उबेत पापण्या मिटून
चांदनी चांदनी साठवत राहतात.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

JanmaachI Goshta

जन्माची गोष्ट

२० सप्टेंबरच्या रात्री दवाखान्यात दाखल झाले. आयुष्यात पहिल्यांदाच. आई आणि मी त्या गरम तापलेल्या खोलीत होतो. नर्सने सांगितलेलं,'खिडक्या उघडू नका, मच्छर येतात,' त्यामुळे बाहेरच्या हवेचा संपर्क नव्हता. कपडे बदलून पुस्तक वाचत पडले.कसं कोण जाणे नऊ महिन्याचं वाट पहाणं त्या क्षणी एकदम संपल्यासारखं वाटलं. उरली होती ती फक्त आतुरता - दुसया दिवशीची. शांत झोपही लागली अगदी! पोटातली हालचाल मात्र अव्याहत सुरुच होती. त्या जीवाला माहितही नव्हतं की फक्त ९-१० तासांनी जग बदलणार आहे.

२१ ला सकाळी आंघॊळ आणि बाकिचे वैद्यकिय सोपस्कार उरकून पुन्हा येऊन पडले. ८:३० वाजण्याची वाट पहात. आईने कपाळावरून हात फिरवला, नवऱ्याने प्रेमाने हात धरला, सासूबाईंनी हसून धीर दिला. त्या सगळ्यांच्या डोळ्यात काय काय होतं - काळजी, आतुरता, आनंद. एकदाचे ८:३० वाजले. पोट सांभाळत चालत चालत 'त्या' खोलीकडे गेले. सगळं कसं वातानुकुलीत होतं. रुटीन चेहेऱ्याच्या एक-दोन नर्सेस, दाई, उपकरणं, टेबलं, मोठे मोठे दिवे, सगळंच कसं थंडगार. पण हिरव्या मास्कमागचे ऍनेस्थेटिस्ट डोळे प्रेमळ हसले आणि सगळं छान वाटलं. पुढचं सगळं म्हणावं तर धुकं, म्हणावं तर स्पष्ट. डॉक्टरांच्या रिलॅक्स मूडमधील गप्पा, दिव्यांचे झोत, शस्त्रांची किणकिण, नर्सेसचं कुजबुजणं, मधेच एखादीचं माझ्याशी स्मित. एका क्षणी सगळे आवाज थांबले - निदान माझ्यासाठी. ऐकू आला तो एक नाजूक किणकिणता कोऽहम. तो क्षण तसाच आहे माझ्या मनात. अजूनही तिथेच थांबलाय. मला एकदम उठावसं वाटलं, कुणाशी तरी बोलावसं वाटलं. मी इकडे तिकडे पाहिलं तर एक नर्स हळूच माझ्या डोळ्यांच्या कडा टिपत होती. मग ते प्रेमळ ऍनेस्थेटिस्ट डोळे जवळ आले, कपाळावर ऊबदार हात आला, " it's a beautiful baby girl." कसा शब्दात बांधू मी तो क्षण. खरंच शक्य नाहिये. मला तिला बघायचं होतं, भेटायचं होतं, तिच्याशी खूप खूप बोलायचं होतं. पण थांबावं लागलं. बराच वेळ. कारण मी एकदम धुक्यात गेले. सगळं ऐकत होते पण आकळत नव्हतं. थांबावं लागणारच होतं.

नर्सनी ते चिमुकलं गाठोडं माझ्या हातात ठेवलं आणी एकदम मन थरथरलं.दोन क्षण कळेचना काय करावं. किती ते नाजूक. जवळ घ्यावं तर माझ्या श्वासाचा त्रास होईल. बघतच राहिले. तीहि बघत होती किलकिल्या डोळ्यांनी. कुतुहल नव्हतं, आश्चर्य नव्हतं. शांत डोळे पण भावहीन मात्र नव्हते ते डोळे. मी तिला दिसत तरी होते की नाहि कुणास ठाऊक. पण स्पर्शाची भाषा मात्र कळत होती, तिची मला अन माझी तिला. अशीच ही मोठी होईल रडेल, हसेल, वळेल, बोलेल, उभी राहील, धावेल, चालायला लागेल आणि पंखात बळ आलं की जाईल उडून भूर्रकन. चिमणीसुद्धा अशीच पिलांच्या चोचीत चारा घालताना विचार करत असेल का?

हे सगळं कसं कालचच वाटतंय आणि आज सान्वी एवढी मोठी झाली - झालीसुद्धा. कळलंच नाही असं तरी कसं म्हणायचं! प्रत्येक क्षणाची नोंद आहे - वहित... मनात.सुरुवातीची ती जाग्रणं, ती काळजी. बाळाला हाताळण्याची ती भिती. हे करू की ते करू असे संभ्रम. सगळं कसं ताजं आहे. ती रडली की रडूच येई, असं वाटे आपलं काहितरी चुकतंय. पण मग, 'अगं बाळ आहे ते रडणारच!' असं मोठ्यांचं समजावणं मनाला शांत करत असे. हे दिवस असेच फडफडत उडुन जातात पण आठवणींची मोरपिसं मागे उरतात. तीच वेचायची मनाच्या पानापानांत जपून ठेवायची. लहर आली कधी की त्यावरून हात फिरवायचा. ती हळूवार डोळ्य़ांवरून, गालावरून हळूहळू फिरवायची.

आता स्पर्शाच्या भाषेबरोबरच डोळ्यांची भाषाही बोलू लागलीये ती. किती बदललेत तिचे डोळे. सुरुवातीचे ते किलकिले डोळे आता चांगलेच टपोरे झालेत. जिभेच्या अखंड अगम्य सुरावटींबरोबरच हे डोळ्यांचं बोलकेपण वाढलंय. त्यात आता प्रतिबिंब दिसायला लागलीयेत. परक्याच्या हातात गेल्यावर 'आई, तू आहेस ना!' असं बावरलेल्या नजरेनं मला विचारतात. झोप आली, भूक लागली की 'आई, घे ना!' असं विनवतात. मधूनच कधीतरी 'मला घे, तुला बिलगायचंय' असा पुकारा करतात. 'मला खूप मज्जा येतेय' असं म्हणत खिदळतात आणि 'I love you आई असं तर दिवसातून किती वेळा सांगतात.

आईचं आणि मुलीचं किती हळवं नातं. शारिरीक नाळ तुटली तेव्हाच भावनिक नाळ जोडली गेली. आता त्या नाळेनं जखडून ठेवायचं कि आधारासारखी बांधून मुलीला पुढे जाऊ द्यायचं हे प्रत्येक आईनं ठरवायचं.

माझं आणि सान्वीचंही एक नातं उमलतंय. एक जग फुलतंय. आई मुलीच्या नात्याचं, स्त्रीवाच्या बंधाच, मैत्रिणीच्या रंगाचं. ते तसंच फुलत रहावं - तुमच्या सगळ्यांच्या आशिर्वादानं.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Shraawan Waat


अशी कशी ही एकटीच चालली
कुणाच्या ओढीनं ओढावून
ओली कच्च हिरवाळलेली
मिलनाच्या ओढीनं गाभुळलेली

जंगलाचा मंद सुगंध
श्वासात भिनवत
आंदोळत बहरत
वळणावर बहकत
हिरव्या श्रावणात हरवून गेलेली.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

waiting by you...


sitting by you, waiting
I felt connected with you
a hope simmering inside
I kept feeling you, touching, cleaning


thoughts darting now and then
what will it be
good or bad
happy or sad

lingering around you
all the day long
impatient for the buzz
picking and placing
snooping the dull tone
dead and boring

are you smiling
getting the attention
that you never seek

a cuppa coffee !!


I offered, Tea Coffe or me
you preferred,
would love a cuppa hot coffee
I frowned,
turned disappointed
to bring one for you
and you said smiling, mischiveous
...with you...
Coffee kept steaming,
boiling brown and sweet

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Straight from the Gut !!


“Oh yeah, I hear that again, Juhu what’s it? An address or a name? But she seems to be visiting there often, hmmm must be her favorite place to go to or a friend she visits… OUCH!! What was that? This always happens whenever she thinks of this Juhu. Oh, that man is also with her today… cool… I like him. Quite an adoring character. But why is she moving so much? Guys, will you please… I need to rest. Oops… what a loud noise that is… strange I can hear all this…all the way here. God, this city is difficult. It must be difficult for her too.

Aha, it’s quiet and cooler. Now where is she walking to? Oh god, will she just rest? How much she moves around and walks around and works around. Doesn’t she get tired ever? OK, I hear another familiar voice, 19 weeks, he says. Oh, that’s my age… of course 19 weeks P.B. – Pre Birth – just in case you don’t get it. And my name is BABY. She is laughing, she sounds cheerful. Tiny hands and tiny legs? What, she can see me already? Wow, how? I wanna see her too. I quite like her actually. I like the way she speaks, her voice is marvelous. And him! He is very caring, very loving. I just hate the blaring towards her sleeping time. Too much of noise, they call it TV, I hate it. But they seem to enjoy it. I really like him around. I get more blood and more air when he is around. They laugh a lot and talk a lot. It feels reassuring to have him around, somehow.
I learnt from her the other day, that her name is Mommy and his name is Papa, I like those names.

The best time I like is when she takes her warm baths. I love the voice of the water trickling down and I like it when she hums those songs. I love it when she prays in her low, sweet tone. I love that chanting voice reaching down to me vibrating and filling my space. I feel like dozing off then, I sleep fitfully after that. I feel stimulated yet peaceful.

Once I remember just last week I think, I felt like throwing up when I smelt something horrible. Strong, musty, whatever it was, it was really awful, nauseating. Then I heard her loud, she was angry and I could not breathe. She was talking heatedly with him and I learnt it was something called smoking that he was doing. She had, it seems, told him not to do it while she was around, she can not take the smell anymore but he did not listen. She said, because he was a man. God! Am I a man too or the other thing whatever it is. But then, I feel, it’s OK sometimes, if he feels like doing it. I know, it bothers her but just sometimes, she should bear with it. Aha, I guess, I am a man after all!

At her sleeping time, she tells me stories. I like the one with a tiger in it. I do not know what it is but I like it anyways. I love her tender pitch at those times. And in the mornings she sings me some songs. I love the one about a star twinkling.

I heard her saying she can not sleep anymore, it’s getting more and more difficult for her to sleep now a days. I hope it’s not me who’s making her uncomfortable. I somehow feel like moving a lot when she is still and sleeping. I will try and avoid it. But I love moving inside her and oh, how I love sucking my thumb.

Hey, I heard her talking to someone the other day, I could not hear the other voice, was she talking to herself? She said Mommy, yes; she was talking to herself after all. But wait, she said, when Baby comes! BABY COMES? Where am I going? No, God, I am not going anywhere, I refuse! I want to be here all the time. It is comfortable, warm and I love swimming. I hear them saying, I am growing. No, I do not want to grow and do not want to come, I mean go anywhere.

Ok, guys, I can hear her praying, now I must listen to my beloved chants and go to sleep. We will think about going anywhere after that.