CONCLUSION

tHEM

“Oh I missed u on my trip”, he said and that startled her. She was not expecting any such show of affection from him, or rather to put it; she was not expecting any affection from him at all. That’s the way it’s been for last 6 years. He with his trips for work and pleasure, she with her social life and work, they both had been busy in their own lives. They lived together, under one single roof, shared a bed whenever he was around, had meals together, dined out to good restaurants, shared jokes, shared parties under their roof or someone else’s. Oh ok, they were married, so they too shared relatives and relations. All in all the life was normal.

A lot of others envied their life. Freedom, friendship, understanding, space, maturity all in one single marriage! Looked like heaven, felt like heaven. That’s what he had been finding it as, a heaven of a relationship. Well, there were a few tiffs, few disagreements and arguments, but that’s there when two people live together. He himself envied his life at times for getting such an understanding wife to give him this kind of a space. He could go and come as he liked, she shopped alone, she partied alone when it came to that, she had her own social circle, she cooked for him whenever possible, in fact, in the early years of marriage she even packed a good wholesome lunch for him to his work. Though the frequency went down now, he understood, with her career and her social commitments growing and his irregularity in being within town changing.

This time he was on a trip for a month and on his way back, he found himself longing for the smell of his house; he found himself thinking of her being around in the house. He was surprised at this; he had never felt anything like this before. He loved roaming about everywhere. He never even once thought of the place back at home. Deep in his mind, he had never been happy about the purchase of this house. He wanted a bigger house on the top floor of a tower, but he had to settle for this one which was smaller and a floor below the top floor. For whatever reasons, he did not have patience to wait and look for something he wanted and had purchased this one. They had shifted and she had loved the place. She decorated the place to her own choice. Yes, her friends had envied her for the freedom given to her. He, on the contrary, not even once had said anything, positive or negative, about the issue. He was not been asked for and so he never felt obliged to comment – appreciate or otherwise. She took care of everything, even monitory part of the activity.

But today, he found himself uttering those words and he felt strange. He blushed with embarrassment when he saw the reaction – whatever mild start of surprise – that came from her. He hated himself for feeling something which he did not understand. He threw his shoes in a corner and went to his room to change. Yes, his room, though they shared only one bedroom, they had two different rooms to keep their stuff. That was an understanding, when he first found himself irritated at her rule for keeping things to its own place. He was happy with this as he could use his room as a bachelor’s pad and felt comfortable in the manly smell of his room. No compacts, no female perfumes, no lipsticks and eyeliners on his mirror. He could toss his aftershave bottles, his deodorant sprays as he liked, he could throw his used clothes and towels everywhere in his room and not get disturbed. His room was his den – his lion’s den – as he liked to call it. Once inside, he did not have to worry and think of the world outside.

He walked into the room and closed the door behind him; he threw himself on the bed and remained there for sometime. He was too scared to change and go out of the den. He wanted solitude. He did not want to face emotions. “But then she doesn’t show any!” he thought and was startled. That was a realization. Again that was not true. She is an intelligent woman, with a mind of her own, with a career of her own. She shared intelligent discussions, in fact offered some good advise about finance or career when needed. She is animated and bubbly when she talks to her friends, no, not only that, she laughs her gut out on a good joke he shares with her. She has impeccable manners when it comes to parties or dinners. His friends, their relatives love meals cooked by her and she obliges them with many. And another realization came along. She is changed. Since when? Changed in what way? For good or for worse? He could not decide that. She had always given him the friendly space, the ‘too much’ freedom that a woman would not offer to her husband, yet, she showed she cared in the small ways that she did. It was him who never felt a reason to call back home while away from town, but then she had never been cribbing about that. She never expected him to inform about his coming and going. He was the one who never showed he cared. He hastily threw the thought away as he did. “Come on,” he thought, “I have always given her all the freedom an Indian husband would not give to his wife. I never ask her, about her accounts, her spending, and her social life or anything for that matter.” And a voice came, “hey dude, I guess you were just being convenient to yourself.” Cause he knew if he asks, he would have to tell. “Naah, he thought, there is nothing to hide. So what’s the problem if I have to tell? No it’s not me, it’s her who is changed, who is distant for some reason.” But then it’s always been a friendly relation that they shared. He decided to get up and talk about it. He also knew she would be ready with some snack to have and he was hungry. He took a shower and felt fresh. He then opened the door of his den and went out. Heading to the kitchen where he knew she would be ready with some delicious snack and his favorite tea. Sure the food was ready and she was there. As she saw him approaching, she smiled at him and said, “Go on to the dinning, I shall serve and get the dishes.”

She followed him to the table with the tray full of eatables and tea. Served him and for herself, sat down next to him. He tried to look at her, tried a lame smile and said, “ Look, I don’t know why I said what I did. I am not sorry for that, but it’s strange. You do know I care, don’t u?” She looked him into his eyes and said, “ I want a divorce. I am tired of you showing that you don’t care when you do and I can’t anymore go on showing that I care, when I don’t.”

He kept looking at her without knowing what to speak.

hER

There was a long silence and she felt like she was going back in the space. She felt like she was dreaming and did not know how long did she sit like that in her daze. Suddenly when she was out of her stupor, it was dark all around her, she still had the cups and the dishes in front of her and the silence was unbearable to her ears. For a few stark seconds she did not know why was she sitting in the dark room, why were the mugs still around. And then it dawned to her. She got up from the chair, went to the window, looked outside, it was breezy and cool. She felt better, why? She did not know, was it because of the feeling she had just let out some time ago or was it due to the wind. She caressed the flower plants in the window. Thought about what had happened. She was surprised of herself for such a sudden outburst. Well, it was not the usual outburst in the explosive way; yet, it was a blow to her as much as it was to him. She was staggered with her own emotions. Why had she talked about divorce? It was not there on her mind at all. Then how did those words come out?

She switched on the lights in the room and as she blinked with the brightness she saw him coming out of his room. He looked stressed, ruffled. She stood there with her eyes closed for some time and then opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. He had taken his place on the sofa and had switched on the TV. Not a single word exchanged. She too went onto the table and cleared the mugs and the dishes and took them to the kitchen. It was already time to start cooking.

She just stood there by the kitchen platform and unknowingly went back to her day. She was expecting him back from his tour today. Since morning she was thinking for a menu in the evening, as she knew he likes to have some good homemade snack with his tea. It was also a holiday for her and so she could plan her day well. She got up late, as she liked it always when she was alone. Taking quick morning shower she headed to her beauty parlor for a long pending hair trimming and pedicure. When her pedicurist commented on how tired her feet looked, she just gave a tired smile to match with them. But that had set her thinking. She had been feeling too tired to do anything lately. Reaching 35 she was not too old to feel uninterested in things. She was the one who was known as a life of a party, she used to be enthusiastic to try new dishes, to cook a new menu every week. She loved her job and her career, she enjoyed going out with friends. But lately – she didn’t remember since when – she stopped enjoying anything of this. She just loved her Sundays, her cozy afternoons at home, she loved reading books but even they had come down to stupid unintelligent gossip based fictions. If there is something she liked, it was sleeping, curling with a fiction and reading on. She did not feel like meeting anyone, spending time with anyone. Her telephone conversations were also cut down to minimum, she just lost interest in talking to anyone either. She was thinking all of this while her feet were getting pampered and she decided that she needs a break, a holiday out of town. She decided that she would talk to him about it when he comes back, it would be a good idea to take a nice idle holiday around a weekend to feel refreshed. She decided that they must watch a nice movie with a bag full of popcorns, a couple of samosas and ice creams. Yes, she knew that’s what they were missing. She longed for togetherness. She longed for his company. When she reached home, she again felt sluggish and decided to take a nap. After a nice shower, though she was feeling a bit fresh she decided to go ahead with a nice stretch of a short sleep and so she went to the bed. She saw the bed sheet not so clean and decided that she must change it, she went to the closet got a clean bed sheet, and changed it. She felt the house suddenly fresher than before. She then stretched comfortably on the bed. She was not waiting for him but was expecting him. It was a funny feeling. She should be waiting for him. A wife, meeting her husband after a month should be a waiting wife. She felt strange about her own feelings and then decided it was the same lack of togetherness and so she was feeling this way. Once again she told herself that she needed to talk it out to him.

hIM

While he was staring at the TV, he was going through turmoil of thoughts. When he went to his room after her sudden expression, he was numb. While he was lying on the bed he could not think anything for a long time. He wanted to make sense, put logic to the whole thing. He was trying to think and reason, but he just was not feeling anything. He kept watching the sky from the window trying desperately to understand what he is feeling. He felt his heart was beating rapid. But he realized, he was not feeling anything. He was absolutely calm about it, no emotions at all. No sadness, no shock, no anger…nothing!! He was now puzzled. He sat up on the bed uneasy with this new revelation. He got up and went up to the mirror, as a habit, started watching his beard stubs. Then roamed towards the window and watched down. He was still not able to figure out his own mind. He knew he should feel something. This was sure a shock that his wife has talked about divorce. He should feel insulted, feel angry, feel sad may be. But he was so calm as if it was expected, as if he knew this coming to him.

He heard some movement out in the main room. He started wondering about her. Why did she say that? Did she plan this; rehearse this over the month while he was away? But he knew it was not a rehearsed statement from her. But again she was not such an impulsive person to talk without thinking. She had not been showing any emotions lately and so this sudden expression puzzled him more. What is going on in her mind right now? Is she also as surprised? Did she mean it? He was not able to figure out why was HE taking it easy? Did he somewhere in the mind want it himself? And this thought startled him, gave him a direction of thoughts. Yes, he realized, he was feeling rather light hearted, free. But again what would he feel free from? There was nothing he was forbidden of? He was independent, free from the typical wife cribbing that others get. He did not feel answerable for anything he did at all as probably others do feel. Never felt guilty about some boys’ fun he had which other husbands probably did.

He was too confused. He wanted a distraction at least for tonight from all this. He was just back from a tiring journey and wanted to relax. He decided he would take it easy and then think about it later, tomorrow may be. He opened the door and saw her standing by the switchboard, blinked with brightness. He wanted to laugh at the sight of her standing eyes shut by the switchboard. He went on to the sofa and started watching TV, his favorite pass time. He was sure she would be surprised by his reaction. He thought she must be expecting an outrage from him, he was calm, surprising himself he was calm. She looked at him and went on to the kitchen. He knew that’s her thinking place, she likes to stand by the platform and think and at such time she cooks well. He again smiled at himself with this thought. He kept on staring at the TV and waited for her reaction.

tHEM

Mechanically she started cutting the vegetable and putting rice and daal to boil. Suddenly her mind was blank without any emotion or thought. She felt exhausted. Once she set the sabzi on the stove she went out and sat next to him on the sofa. He flinched a little, she thought, may be he was surprised that she sat next to him. She was wondering what is he feeling? Is he feeling anything at all? An intelligent man, big with a bigger corporate, known as the best in his position but zero sensitivity towards human emotions. Why is he not reacting? Has he gone numb towards me? Did he hear me at all? And then she felt like smiling, thinking, probably he did not hear her at all... He is just like that always in his own world, like a baby. Someone needs to care for him, take things in hand for him. That’s why his secretary the elderly Mrs. Simon is such a hit with him!! She is a mother figure for him, would take care of his lunch time, coffee time, schedules and meetings. Where will he go without her and I? She again smiled a little. She felt him looking at her and she just got up to go back to kitchen.

He was wondering, what is she smiling about? Was that a joke that she pulled on him? What’s going on? Then he realized suddenly, there was this funny series going on the television, her favorite, his favorite, their favorite. Oh, so they still had a few things common between them. They loved sitting together and watching this particular TV series and always talked about it. She came back from the kitchen and sat again next to him. No word exchanged at all. They kept watching the TV and suddenly he felt the life is such a drag. He got up and went to his room. He wanted to think, he went in and found himself, taking his cell and calling the theater. He knew about this play running in the city they wanted to watch since long. He found himself booking and instructing home delivered tickets – two. He smiled. He heard the phone ringing and then her answering it. He waited in the room. Thinking how alone he is feeling and felt like shouting loud in the sky… He wanted to cry. He was alone, very alone. He decided he must go watch some more TV. He can not feel the way he was feeling, he is not sad at all. He was not weak. He did not need anyone in life. He is happy with his den. And then suddenly he thought would the den remain with him or would he have to let her take it? He slapped himself in mind for his disgusting thought and just went out to watch TV.

She was serving dinner already and he quietly sat on his chair to start dinner. He could smell the food, delicious, spicy, just the way he loves it. They started eating and she said that the call was from the Seths and they would have to attend an early evening home warming at their new bunglow. He hated Sunday evening parties, she knew it. He wanted to tell her go ahead and attend and that he would like to rest, but he found himself saying, “We will have to go only after the afternoon theater show I have booked for.” She looked at him surprised and said, “I thought you would want me to go alone, don’t you hate Sunday evening parties.” He looked at her, “But you like me to go with you don’t you? Will you come with me for this show tomorrow, I know you don’t like your Sunday afternoons outside, but this one time, please!” She smiled and said she would love to go with him anytime, anywhere. They both were smiling, warm and loving, not looking at each other. Suddenly he said, “err… by the way, I am flying out again on Thursday for 10 days.” She looked up, disappointed and said, “I will accompany you this time, I get bored here and then when you are back I do not know how to express my loneliness to you.” He nodded enthusiastically.

They did not realize when the dinner was over, but he found himself, leaning at the kitchen platform as she was cleaning and clearing. He was just looking at her, working, moving swiftly, getting irritated that he was in her way. They both loved this feeling. Felt like they newly weds. Realizing in mind, freedom is not everything.